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"Animal Control will never catch me!" -- grandpaboy
Second-Hand Spit . . .
I’m not a smoker, but only because I’m not too good at it. (One time, I tried to do that French inhale through my nostrils [“American inhale," if you’re against terrorism], and the shit ‘bout came out my eyeballs!) But even though I don’t do it myself anymore, I’m not the kind of guy who’ll bitch about somebody else partaking in the slow death of their choosing. I figure, that’s just one less asshole I’m liable to run into twenty years down the road....
A lot of folk will say, it’s not about the smoker; it’s a health concern for all those around him, because they’re getting the smoke second-hand.... But the smoker is inhaling second-hand smoke, too -- along with the first-hand stuff! They got it far worse than you, so quit yer fuckin’ whining!
I chew tobacco.... That’s the way I choose to kill myself (along with bourbon), and, as an American, I think I ought to be allowed to do just that. There aren’t many people bitching about my kind of tobacco use, though. And it’s because it doesn’t concern them, the self-centered bastards! But I got news for you... there’s such a thing as second-hand spit....
Oh yeah, there’s particles of my spit floatin’ all around this place! That’s because spit is expectorated, and a lot of it becomes air-borne as a result -- just like sneeze-snot! If you’ve ever been to a baseball game or a rodeo or a cock fight or my house, chances are real good you’ve swallowed some tobacco juice.
But I tell you what people ought to be bitching about.... It ain’t second-hand smoke, and it sure as Hell ain’t second-hand spit.... It’s second-hand broccoli and cauliflower and radishes from those god-forsaken veggie trays, that are farted all over God’s green Earth! | | |
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"I'D RATHER BURN IN HELL... THAN TO EVER HAVE TO DO PILATES." -- grandpaboy
HALLOWEEN TRICKS -
This is a great time of year to be a pagan. Basically, you get a green light to fuck with people. Now, most times the "tricks" are of the egg-throwin' or yard-rollin' variety, but that is so passé. I think it's high time we came up with something better....
The burning bag of shit is pretty good. Personally, I'd rather ring the doorbell, squat right in front of 'em, then pinch a loaf onto their porch. What are they gonna do? You'd have to be crazy to attack a person who's shitting; you might get some of it on ya.
Blackmail and other forms of extortion are good Halloween pranks, too. Just go up to somebody's door, but instead of holding your sack out for candy, reach in it and pull out naked photos of their daughter. You can make bundles doin' that!
Used to, I'd hear tell of somebody putting sugar in a gas tank. On the outside, this seems like a decent trick, but what real damage comes from it? I don't think sugary gas is an inoperable condition. So just push the goddamn car into the river and be done with it!
Spray-painting house pets is always fun. Especially if somebody has a black dog. Paint a white stripe down that fucker's back, and you've got a skunk! Hilarity ensues.
I hate to go back to feces, but this stuff is better than Silly String. You just can't go wrong with shit. Throw it. Hide it. Make foods out of it. The possibilities are endless, and the stuff never stops stinking.
Deer scent, and other unimaginable stenches used for hunting and fishing, can be good tools of the Trickster's trade. Chances are, if it smells like a deer's snatch, or if it's an odor that would attract a catfish, you don't want it in your house! Apply it generously to your victim's possessions, particularly his/her children.
Firearms, of course, are a staple of Halloween. Hollow-point bullets are recommended for ultimate destruction. Use tracers if necessary, for night usage.
The Halloween tradition is to play tricks! Plus, Autumn is a great time for destroying things and maiming, or otherwise tormenting, people you hate. So let's combine the two. Go out there and fuck somethin' up! | | |
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"IN AMERICA, ALL FOOD SHOULD BE FREE.... JUST CHARGE US FOR THE CONDIMENTS." -- grandpaboy
T H E _ C O U N T R Y _ M E T R I C _ S Y S T E M - All of you Aussies and Limeys and Canadialinians, and other such foreigners to the U.S., are patrons of the metric system. It's a standard for measurements based on gradations of ten, and it's quite efficient and comprehensive and just a joy to behold.
That's why we United States-ers don't use it. It makes too much sense, and we don't cotton to sensical maneuvers, no matter how innocuous or severe the consequences. It's because it would mean change. And we don't like to change things, especially in favor of somebody else's way of doing it.
Well, you're all aware of our archaic and complicated units of measurement, none of which correlate to one another. Pounds, Miles, Quarts. But are you aware of the lesser-used units of measurement, those that originated in the pioneers' days? These are only kept alive in small pockets of the U.S., in tucked-away hamlets such as Grassy Cove, where that bastard THYRIO lives. Here are some examples:
D I S T A N C E - There are 15 Hyar's within an Ov'ere, two of which make up a Yonder. (Town is the farthest point of existence.)
Q U A N T I T Y - There are five Ass-pocketfuls in a Shitload. Plus, a Whole Bunch consists of a Mess and three Tads.
W E I G H T - There are only two: anything heavy weighs Uh-tun (not to be confused with one ton) and everything else is Liiight.
V O L U M E - Twenty Jarfulls fit in a Jugfull, which is comparable to a Gallin. A Tuub holds just about everything but a horse.
E L E C T R I C A L _ C U R R E N T - Two standard measurements: it'll shock the Pissoutofya or it'll shock the Shitoutofya.
V E L O C I T Y - Movin is a moderate speed, while Flyin is just under the sound barrier. Haulinass equals Mach II.
I N T E N S I T Y - A Mite or a Touch, plus a Dickens and Hellfar.
T I M E - A Seckint and a Bit and a Spell and a Whyl....
I reckon there's a sight more of 'em I'm a-leavin' out. What ch'all thank? | | |
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"I HATE THE WORD 'DICKENSIAN' -- AND 'ORWELLIAN' -- THEY DIDN'T HAVE A FUCKING PATENT ON THEIR SUBJECT MATTER, YOU KNOW!" -- grandpaboy
What Would Jesus Dig?
Xanga, as has been theorized, is something of a societal microcosm. Therefore, by that rationale, I can make the leap-in-logic assumption that the shit I see here is representative of the entire globe -- or at least a particular global region. Hence, it can be stated -- without fear of contradiction -- that there are a lot of idiots claiming a lot of idiotic stuff in the name of Jesus!
I've seen a plethora of weblogs which have as their theme something to do with a popular trend, as it relates to Jesus. Specifically, with regard to music. Now, we all know Jesus loved future-contemporary music, like Ska and Heavy Metal and, sad to say, even Emo. So, it goes without saying that we should celebrate Jesus while rocking out to our favorite form of maladroit and banal music. Why the Hell not?
There's also groups, apparently, that associate their toil with Him. Sororities, bowling leagues, even skateboarders. Not necessarily as an attempt at rationalization for something less than Jesus-like, but -- I can only assume -- as a more up-to-date form of reverence. Because antiquity in religion is so... boring!
Obviously, if you've stayed with me this far, you're preparing for my own brand of stalwart contempt to rear its ugly head. That's not going to be the case, really. Jesus was as hip as anybody; he probably would like rock-n-roll and athletics and other stuff to be appropriated in His name. Who knows? My own specific notion is that He would be into yoga and world music, but that's probably a stereotype.
Not one to feel that I have to make a point, I guess it's safe to say that I've taken a lot of space to say very little. I just wondered if anybody else has noticed this kinda stuff.... Is it just me? | | |
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"I'VE COINED THE TERM 'PSYCHONAUT'... FOR PEOPLE WHO SEEM A LITTLE SPACED-OUT." -- grandpaboy
My Favorite Heavy Machinery
For years, I've entertained the notion of driving some kind of hilarious vehicle, drunk, down the interstate. Maybe as a "last hurrah" or something.... Many people have received D.U.I.'s for operating lawn mowers, bicycles, even horse-drawn carriages while intoxicated, but this is mere child's play in my opinion. If you're gonna get a D.U.I., I think you ought to go all out.
Tractors, beyond all others, make the funniest drunk-driving vehicles, I think. First of all, they're slow as hell, and that's an important aspect to the hilarity I'm talking about. But just any old tractor will not do. SIZE DOES MATTER! So I'd like to consider some heavy machinery....
The Caterpillar D9N bulldozer is one of the largest of all earth moving equipment. Also, the Euclid R85B dumptruck is a spectacularly gargantuan vehicle. There's also the John Deere 570A motor grader, which isn't all that big by comparison, but the shape of a grader is just hilarious in and of itself. However, for humor purposes, the Kobelco SK400LC hydraulic excavator is the oddest-looking contraption one could ever find for drunk driving on an interstate. This is the one I'd recommend.
The problem comes with the operation of the vehicle. Obviously, you take all the fun out of it if you get some construction worker to drive the thing for you -- even if he's good and drunk. So, before you steal any kind of heavy machinery from a construction site (which adds to the humor [see link below]), make sure you are familiar with the machine. Entrance can easily be gained through the ROPS canopy by jimmying the door lock with a screwdriver. But just getting seated is only half the battle. Contact your local heavy machinery retailer for operating instruction manuals.
I also feel that snacking on something funny, like Fritos and crab dip, will add to the hilarity of the situation. In addition, you should practice snappy retorts for the arresting officer such as, "but I was wearing my seatbelt, you cornhole bastard!" This will ensure that all humorous bases are covered.
But I plan on going even one step further! When I am pulled over by a Tennessee State Trooper for driving 3 mph, drunk as a loon, on I-40 East, in a crane or front-end loader... I'll also be pulling a bass boat loaded with dogs.
REVIEWS OF OVER-THE-COUNTER CONSTIPATION MEDICINES
Because simply taking fiber isn't nearly as fun as sharing your experience with others....
SIGNS, SIGNS, EVERYWHERE SIGNS
It's about time we had sign language for everyday situations.
FROM THE ARCHIVES
The Leonard Nimoy Should Eat More Salsa Foundation offers something for everyone.
FROM THE 'GOOD IDEA' DEPARTMENT
Ten rednecks are arrested for stealing mud racing equipment. Hilarity ensues!
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